?

Log in

No account? Create an account
LiveJournal for Leila.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Sunday, January 16th, 2005

Subject:sufjan.
Time:12:24 am.
i can see a lot of life in you
i can see a lot of bright in you
and i think the dress looks nice on you
i can see a lot of life in you

i can see you'd better make it too
i can see a fireside turn blue
i can see a lot of life in you yes
i can see a lot of life in you

when the world looks back
when the face looks after that
i can see a lot of life in you yes
i can see a lot of life in you

i can see a lot of life in you
i can see you'd better make it too
and i think the dress looks nice on you
i can see a lot of life in you yes
i can see a lot of life in you
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

Time:1:43 am.
here's what i know:
that i want to hold you with as many limbs as i can
that walking out your door can only happen if i run and only look back when i'm long gone
that i can't stop kissing you
that i melt when you laugh
that we laugh
that i melt
that i'm frightened by the amount of sense this makes
that i can't see a reason for us to end
that i think i'm starting to be able to predict you and then you surprise me in such a wonderful way
that you surprise me in such a wonderful way
that i love the way you shrug
that i sacrifice time for you even today even my busiest day yet
these things mean: i'm falling for you more and more every day.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, March 24th, 2004

Time:2:21 pm.
yesterday was ashraf's birthday and now he's eighteen and we had a surprise "Band Practice" birthday party with him and we are happy and we've been together now for one month on the 22nd.

i feel unconnected to livejournal but here it is anyway.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, March 19th, 2004

Time:1:08 pm.
franny is a band made up of three very good friends at school. here they are:

lee: tall skinny sharp nose long fingers and anguish until you say or do something he likes, and then a smile from a heart--light like a lamp warm and true. see him lost and drowning in sad and weary oceans and you want to hug him with your muscles and shake him until the hard heart feelings jingle out of his pockets.
caley: flannel and thermal hug a thin frame afraid to expose its energies until exactly the right moment when his fingers and drumsticks flicker and twist empty melodies into wholes and stamping feet. wary but alive and ready to continue an adventure started in mind during guitar riffs and glanced connections. eyes and mouth open with excitement and intense concentration.
ashraf: sinewy and taut moving and breathing to beat. heavy lids sink and shift from fingers to floor. hands long soft careful quick jumping from strings to back of head. eyes switching to sideways and up asking subtle body language questions, eyes rolling microphone to ceiling, mouth a rhythmic rattlesnake of tongue to teeth.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, March 10th, 2004

Time:12:51 pm.
what i wrote on the subway.

PRETENTIOUS

Poking and prodding I
Reveal recently rehewed
Edges everywhere.
Tugging at tightropes
Eavesdropping on eggshells and
Never noticing nickels.
Trying to travel
Innocently irrational I
Overanalyze octopi I
Unblinkingly utter
Scraps of screams.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, March 6th, 2004

Time:9:17 pm.
eating mints always makes my teeth feel dirty.

yesterday i was walking down the street (in my very own brooklyn!) with lydia and brooke with my arm around lydia. here's the exchange between me and a girl about my age walking the other way:

Her: [enthusiastically] Are youse lesbians?
Me: [matching her enthusiasm] Yeah!
Her: [still enthused] That's great! [not as loud, but completely audible] Fucking slut!


so. i'm not a lesbian. that doesn't make this exchange any less strange/disturbing/funny?/infuriating.

hey gabe, happy birthday.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, March 4th, 2004

Time:10:26 pm.
i was just talking to a friend about someone else, and i'm taking an anthropology class that discusses race so i asked her into what race she classified this third party and she said that she saw him as black. and i have NEVER thought of him as black...he's so clearly mixed to me that i am unable to just call him black. interesting. i don't think it's anything bad about her thinking or perception, i'm convinced that it's about what culture has done, the one-drop rule in full effect. maybe the fact that i know that he has one parent from africa and one from algeria prevents me from thinking of him as a single race...also anthro is really getting to me and according to that, race is a cultural construct and depending on where you were raised and how you were raised and so it's such an unclear thing that i have trouble categorizing people by skin color. dang, it's complicated.
back to paper.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Time:4:03 am.
let me tell you how close the line is between frustration and success. very close. lines usually aren't close, i guess, they're fine lines or something..hey

two days ago i almost died because it was so beautiful out and the clouds were made of something i wanted to touch.

in my half awake dream during my nap this afternoon i went out into the hallway and looked to the right and all the lights were out (they're never out) and i got scared and i couldn't open one of my eyes if i tried my hardest. then i looked to the right and there were big double doors in the middle of the hallway but other than that i couldn't see because i couldn't open my other eye.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

Time:2:02 am.
i haven't said much yet. i am warming up. i am liking you and this more than i have let on. i am resisting cycles. i am trying to make something different. i am resisting saying the same words to you. i am feeling a lot for you. i am reprioritizing for you. i am working you in. you can tell, i know. i am missing you now when i will see you in the morning and saw you so recently. i mean it.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, February 29th, 2004

Time:3:35 pm.
when i say that i love my art class, i'm always forgetting the part where i get So frustrated with myself and my drawings and my drawing. trees are so frustrating! i am frustrated, my fingers are getting cold and i'm not getting anywhere.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, February 28th, 2004

Time:5:25 pm.
so. six days in, first dinner out.
today i think i meditated for the first time. by accident. and then i washed my window.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

Time:12:18 am.
to elaborate

i think things about you that scare me
things like
you make absolute sense.
and like
we would do well living together.
we are compatible.

and i'm trying my best to test myself
to confirm my solidity
to not be wooed by the impossible shine in your eyes
that expands so quickly
to give your voice a glow.

maybe writing this is proof enough that i'm taken by you
maybe writing this gives me courage

overanalysis is overrated.

i'll listen to your heartbeat if you'll listen back.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Time:12:03 am.
again to the crush.

i have trouble looking at you now because i like you so much.
i'll tell you soon when i can learn to be calm and collected and maybe even look you in the eye.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

Time:4:02 pm.
to my crush:
i am like, totally crushing on you.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, February 15th, 2004

Subject:babel fish translation of the song i just posted. i could do better than this.
Time:11:29 pm.
Better is worth not to think of only of not thinking dutout,
Nothing it is déja, nothing it is déja much,
One remembers nothing and since all is forgotten,
Nothing it is well better than all.
Better is worth not to think of only of not thinking of you,
Ca is not worth me nothing, Ca is not worth me nothing dutout
But as if nothing were I think of all,
These small riens which came me from you,
If they were three times nothing, three times nothing between us,
Evidemment Ca does not make much,
It are these small riens which I put end to end,
These small riens which came me from you.
Better is worth to cry of only of laughing at all,
Pleurer for one nothing it is déja much,
But you, you do not have anything in the heart déja you,
I envy you, I want you, much,
They are these small riens which came me from you,
want Them are held that want,
Me I want for nothing in the world plus nothing you,
to be for you is necessary to be for half insane
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:11:25 pm.
Serge Gainsbourg and Angelique Kidjo both sing this...it's so sad. i will translate.

Mieux vaut ne penser à rien que de pas penser dutout,
Rien c'est déja, rien c'est déja beaucoup,
On se souvient de rien et puisqu'on oublie tout,
Rien c'est bien mieux que tout.
Mieux vaut ne penser à rien que de penser à vous,
Ca ne me vaut rien, ca ne me vaut rien dutout
Mais comme si de rien était je pense à tout,
Ces petits riens qui me venaient de vous,
Si c'était trois fois rien, trois fois rien entre nous,
Evidemment ca ne fait pas beaucoup,
Ce sont ces petits riens que j'ai mis bout à bout,
Ces petits riens qui me venaient de vous.
Mieux vaut pleurer de rien que de rire de tout,
Pleurer pour un rien c'est déja beaucoup,
Mais vous, vous n'avez rien dans le coeur ét j'avous,
Je vous envie, je vous en veux, beaucoup,
Ce sont ces petits riens qui me venaient de vous,
Les voulez vous tenez que voulez vous,
Moi je ne veux pour rien au monde plus rien de vous,
Pour être à vous faut être à moitié fou.


i tried to translate, but it was terrible. it didn't work...if you can read it in french, good for you and if not i'm sorry because it's beautiful.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, February 13th, 2004

Time:1:30 am.
my heart just aches and burns when i think of opening my window wide and letting in a warm breeze. my eyes fill up with stars when i think of sandals and green grass, of no danger of slipping on ice, of running and collapsing in the green of spring.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, February 8th, 2004

Time:2:09 am.
friends who write emo songs are the best kind.

you gazed into my eyes
you vomited on my shoes
unconscious you
curled like a cat in my bed

you kicked me in the teeth
you thought i was a thief
out to get your blood
pressure i don't want your vital signs
i just want your shoes

you disgust me
when you love me
i love you
when you mistrust me

wide eyed like a squid
bile bursts like ink
counting sleep in winks
we only write in pen

oh curled like a tentacle
in my bed

oh you
you are
you are permanent

i heart you
when you hurt me
i lust you
when you mistrust me

--lee pender
www.frannyband.com
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, January 30th, 2004

Time:1:39 am.
awonderful poem by a wonderful slam poet of sorts. look up sacred slam, i saw one and was inspired.



A Wary Invitation to my Future Child
by Ethan Nichtern



1. The Disclaimer
Let me just say I’m not expecting you for a while
Except by tragedy of bubble-burst latex
you won’t come wailing anytime soon
So if all goes according to the Plan
according to Which nothing ever goes
you should be slowly wrapping things up in your last life right now
taking long walks and talking nonsense to strangers and drooling a little bit
trying to untie mental knots
making temporary peace with those apparent contradictions
getting affairs in order
just so that others may grieve what I welcome
Maybe you’re a satin-clad Goddess who rides a long-tusked elephant
or maybe you just got world peace declared on the Planet Zolton
or maybe you’re that eccentric horseshoe crab misunderstood by all the other horseshoe crabs whose genius as a horseshoe crab will only be recognized long after a lonely death in a lonely horseshoe shell
I hope you’re not a consultant


2. The Fine Print
aggression still tantalizes us
(I’m sorry)
attachment’s like a bungee cord
(I’m sorry)
ignorance emits a steady hum
(I’m sorry)
Your father’s a crazy buddhist
(I’m sorry)
.
kids don’t get to make any decisions
(I’m sorry)
parents argue over money and then slam doors shut
(I’m sorry)
adults make three lists: one short list called “Friends,” one long list called “Enemies,” and one really long list called “Who Cares?”
(I’m sorry)
Old people scream “I wish I could have done more!” which nobody understands because their words are slurred by strokes and tears.
(I’m sorry)


If two people look each other in the eye it’s usually by accident
(I’m sorry)
When people dance they get embarrassed
(I’m sorry)
When people speak they get self-conscious
(I’m sorry)
When people smile they feel guilty
(I’m sorry)


We have this little thing called propaganda
(I’m sorry)
We have this big thing called poverty
(I’m sorry)
We have these huge things called armies
(I’m sorry)
There’s no escape from your own mind--believe me I already tried Everything
(I’m really really sorry)


You will become what you hate--it’s inevitable
The only way I’ve found to deal with this is to expand the scope of what you love
But this isn’t about wishful thinking
It’s about courage and training
(That’s the one thing I won’t apologize for)


3. The Invitation
Where you are now do they have cartoons?
Where you are now do they examine their experience in detail?
Where you are now do they have paintings where the oil leaves a 3D trail across the canvas?
Where you are now did they reinvent the wheel a thousand times?
Where you are now are there kaleidoscopic cities?
Where you are now are your fingers mesmerized by the grey texture of the mortar which holds a brick wall together?
Where you are now do they have Bob Dylan?
Where you are now do genitals interlock so perfectly and then separate like defective velcro?
Where you are now does your body come with two of everything just in case?
Where you are now do all your teachers sneak up into the crawl-space between thoughts and haunt you?
Where you are now do friends sit crosslegged in a circle playing conga drums until a half-hour past a cloudy dawn at which point they all get up together and cook Eggs Overtired with salsa and say as a matter-of-fact in between yawns and mouthfuls: “let’s save the world!”?


4. PostScript
At the bottom of a huge pile in a soon-to-be-sold house in Arkansas is a picture of a grandfather who dies of a fourth heart attack just as his grandson reaches the ripe old age of negative 1 (Earth years). He holds a baby girl and he looks just like me. Or I should say that I look just like him, that is, if we want to be polite and pretend that a circle is a line.


Brooklyn
2002
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

Time:3:11 am.
what friends write on my door:
Leila smells
like a frog's hop
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for Leila.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.